Attacked by Geese!!

Inside March 11, 2003's Issue

-Features-

Math Phobia Strikes Many

Teela Davis Helps Others

Attacked by the Georgia Highlands College geese!

By Daniel Bell Two geese planning the next attack
Editor

Behind the central campus of Georgia Highlands College lies beautiful Paris Lake.

The lake is perfect for those looking to fish or simply take a stroll around its pristine shores.

Many FC students and faculty also run laps for exercise on the trail surrounding the lake.

But, alas, all is not well with the lake area. On the contrary, some have claimed that Paris Lake is unsafe and even a little scary to be near.

Those who no longer brave the shores behind Georgia Highlands College claim to have been the victims of an attack of terror.

No, they haven't seen bin Laden or Saddam. They were chased away from the water by a more terrible foe, one that creates havoc and pours fear into the hearts of those unfortunate enough to stray near its grounds.

Yes, they were attacked by the Georgia Highlands College geese!

A terrible trio of white water foul that will come running and screeching at any passerby.

As individuals they are powerless and appear as harmless as any floating bath toy, but together they are a force to be reckoned with.

The three fighting geese Led by the solid white male with the huge knot on his beak, the three birds chase anyone who they feel threatens them.

The other two, though somewhat more passive by appearance, are not to be taken lightly. The second in command is the other solid white goose, which looks exactly like the leader sans the knot.

Then there is the third foul creature, which keeps an eye out on the flanks. This webbed-foot soldier is also white, but with some gray coloration across his back and wings.

It is better to avoid this flying flock of fearful foul but, if this cannot be done, be warned.

The best way to deal with the geese is to stand your ground. Look them in the eye (one at a time, not all three geese at once!) and don't show your fear. Like attack dogs, they can sense your fear, and they will take advantage of it.

Those who assume they are safe driving by in cars are dead wrong. These geese will chase anything that comes running, or rolling, by.

One eyewitness who wished to remain nameless said, "It was terrible! I was just jogging by and they came out of nowhere and hissed at me and chased me! At one point, I was afraid for my ankles!"

Another explained what happens when one drives by:

"It was like they had it planned out. When I was driving by the lake one of them was in the road, so naturally I slowed down. Then out of nowhere two more came running up to my door screaming for me to get out of the car. Or at least that's what I thought their quacks meant."

These two victims are just a sample of those whose dreams are now haunted by the thoughts of FC geese.

Several ducks living on Paris Lake refused to comment on the three geese. One can only assume they fear for their lives.

When reached for comment on the geese situation at Georgia Highlands College, President George W. Bush said, "Well, I don't know too much about those geese, but as long as they don't mess with Texas they're alright by me."

A reporter for the Six Mile Post attempted to reach the water foul for comment, but they simply hissed and jumped into the lake. Below is a transcription of that attempted interview.

Reporter: "What do you say to the allegations that you three have been terrorizing Georgia Highlands College students?"

Geese: "HISSS!!" (Fluttering noises. Splashing noises.)

It is easy to see that these geese refuse to own up to their crimes and with a lack of rock solid evidence nothing can be done to stop the violence at this time.

So, for those who still want to voyage out to Paris Lake, you've been warned.